I hate the mandatory “talk
I hate the mandatory “talk about the shipping” bit. Surely my order was treated to the full museum of antiquities treatment, only handled by master archers wearing white cotton gloves and working in a dust-free clean room. The staples used to close the packaging were nothing short of the finest Aboriginal zinc-coated steel, with the zinc ethically sourced from the Australian outback using mining and smelting techniques dating back 1,500 years. The belt clip, unlike the more common (read: cheap) ones found on lesser products, has a load-bearing capacity of more than 700 pounds while the actual puller itself was meticulously hand-crafted by master rubber craftsmen using ecologically- unfriendly, recycled rubber products, thereby preventing this “forever” compound from filling our landfills and choking our natural habitats. Lastly, the shipping. Flight from the warehouse was handled by multiple teams of trained European AND African swallows using an intricate “cat’s cradle” mesh netting system, delivering the arrow puller to one of only three sacred Native American delivery hubs. Following a specific, three-day Native American ritual involving the use of ayahuasca to carry the spirit of joy and healing to the user. Following this sacred ritual, it was handed over to Mel, a slovenly UPS driver with a startlingly bad addiction to Taco Bell bean burritos, a delivery track record reminiscent of the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers and a record of traffic violations and customer complaints filling three banker boxes.